Moving on, up and away

What does moving on look like? Well, for starters, it’s probably not blogging about your ex.

I promised I wouldn’t write about him. But look, it’s not my fault that writing is the only way for me to express coherent thought. I’m three months post-breakup from a 10-month relationship. Now, I’m no mathematician, but I think I’m supposed to be in “moved on” territory. Does that mean I’m supposed to be emotionally available? I’m definitely not allowed to talk about my ex on dates, right?

These rules aren’t real, but in a social context, they’re the closest thing that bring you to a dateable “normal.” Dude that posts a pic on his profile with his mom? Cute. Dude that calls his mom twice a day? Not normal, not dateable. See?

I think I’m currently undateable. In the shower, when I supposed to be wondering if koalas have toes or if I actually hit submit on my last assignment, I’m thinking about the fact that my ex still uses the same shampoo as me. You see, back when we were dating, his hair was an awkward neck-length with fuzzy sideburns. I suggested the purple kangaroo curly shampoo that I used on my hair to make it wavy. It worked, he got hotter and kept using the shampoo while we were dating. Okay, talking about my ex’s hair definitely counts as undateable.

To be clear, I want to move on. This isn’t some subtle attempt to send “take me back” vibes into the universe. We’re done done, universe. Yet still, I can’t seem to stop processing the entire 10 months. I keep thinking of arguments we could’ve avoided or the perfect moments we shared before it all went wrong.

Is moving on figuring out where it went wrong? Or is it being able to let go and not caring who was right in the end? I still care. I hate the fact that during our last argument, I didn’t say exactly the right things to prove that I was exactly right. But it doesn’t matter, I know.

He surrendered me with hopes that the next guy would be better. I let him go in hopes that I would be better.

Moving on is giving a new person a try, even though new inevitably means disappointment. But I think I’m ready for disappointment. I’m ready to move on and up, even if that means that I still want to pass by his parent’s boat and make sure that his mom to loves me forever.

I’m moving away in two months. Away from any memory of him and away to start my big girl post-college life. I don’t know, maybe it’s the future that’s making me want to think of the past. Maybe it’s the crisp golden fall air that reminds me of the night we met a year ago and the many nights after it.

However, there will be a new person. Whether I find that person in me or in a partner, we’ll have to see. For now, I’m blogging about my ex while my Tinder matches are typing “let’s just do something.” Yeah, anything.

P.S. At least I’m emotionally available for Santa.